Sometimes being a parent isn't all it's cracked up to be. In the last month, Austin was sick for a week and a half, I was sick for 2 weeks, and Luke was flushing his system while keeping up with the housework. On top of that, we still have tons to do on the house and a little guy that requires a watchful eye EVERY moment due to his new found freedom of mobility. It's so easy to begin to feel like you're barely keeping your head above water. So, for the last few days I've felt like I've been hanging on by a fiber of a thread.
So much has changed over the last few months and that doesn't even include how much Austin has changed. Some days I feel like time is flying and there's no possible way to soak in every moment, but then other days I wonder who I am outside of being a mom. Don't get me wrong. I love being a mom and being here for every new discovery and milestone. However, there are things that I find myself longing to do. Things that used to be a part of my everyday life before Austin. Needless to say, I finally had a meltdown at lunch today with my mom and sister. And yes, Austin was fussing and throwing things on the floor of the restaurant the entire time.
It felt good to just verbalize what I had been feeling and even better to come home and put Austin down for his nap, which means some much needed time to think. I would love to say that I immediately got out my Bible for comfort and wisdom but that would be lying. Instead, I sat down at the computer and went in search of a song that had been in my head for the last couple of days. I finally found the song: All We Are by Matt Nathanson. And even though I wish my first instinct would have been to read my Bible, I'm thankful that God can use even a simple, non-christian song to minister to me. My favorite line in the song says "And every day is a start of something beautiful, something real." It brought to mind the verse in Lamentations which says, "But I have hope when I think of this: The Lord's love never ends; His mercies never stop. THEY ARE NEW EVERY MORNING; Lord, your loyalty is great. I say to myself, "The Lord is mine, so I hope in Him." (Lamentations 3:21-24) Words cannot express how much this encouraged me, but being the overly verbal person I am, I have to try.
First of all, morning is my absolute favorite time of the day. Maybe it's the quiet or the fact that the day is fresh and full of possibilities. Then again, it could be that while my mornings start much earlier these days, it's the only time that Austin wakes up singing and talking in his crib. Whatever the reason, I love it and call me crazy but I think the Lord loves it too. Before I read this verse I was beginning to lose a little hope and I was definitely discouraged. I had begun to ask myself, "Will I ever stop changing dirty diapers? Will I always be cleaning spit up off my floors and clothes?" The answer to these questions and countless others was a resounding NO in my mind, but God knew I needed a little perspective. When I've lost hope, God hasn't. When I feel anything but new in the mornings, God doesn't hesitate to fill in. Thank goodness His mercies are new every morning and that His loyalty is great even when we choose to look for a song rather than spend much needed time with Him. Because of this I can truly say that the Lord is mine so I hope in Him. I don't have to hope that one day my son will be potty trained and my clothes and floors will be spit-up free. I don't have to hope that someday our yard won't look like "hell's little half acre" or that the left over boxes will finally be unpacked. I can hope in the Lord and know that because of His grace and mercy I can make it through another challenging day. But most importantly, because of His love I can wake up to a day filled with new possibilities, adventures, and mercies!