Time is a funny thing. Some days it seems to drag. Lucky for me, those are usually the days that Brooke has a million dirty diapers and Austin has just as many questions and complaints. And then there are the days that seem to slip through your fingers like running water. You blink your eyes and all of a sudden a chapter of your life has been written and that season has passed.
I remember the day that Luke came home and told me they were moving the AT&T headquarters to Dallas like it was yesterday.
We had lived in San Antonio for 6 months.
It was like you could hear my bubble popping. I know Luke heard it too because of the look on his face after he told me. A feeling of panic and anxiety overwhelmed me and I was just a little bit angry. Ok. Alot angry.
What was AT&T thinking? Moving the headquarters? Didn't they know that some of us actually liked it here. Had families here. Hopes and dreams too.
So I did what any girl in denial would do. I lied to myself and chose to believe that we wouldn't move. I told myself that Luke could be happy with the positions available here in San Antonio. Obviously, I conveniently forgot that little commandment about leaving and cleaving to your husband...no matter where his job takes him.
For the next four years, the knowledge that our time here was limited hovered in the back of my mind as I formed friendships and made memories. I held my breath any time Luke had a meeting with one of the "higher-ups" of AT&T. Each time the anxiety and sadness threatened to overwhelm me, I clung to the hope that by some miracle, we could stay in San Antonio.
I tried not to be bitter whenever Luke seemed excited about his career possibilities. Afterall, how could he not be excited about a move? A promotion to the city where his family lived? What's not to like? As you can see, I was hugely successful in avoiding bitterness...
Each meeting he had only confirmed to me that Luke was gaining the respect and recognition he had earned and deserved at AT&T. It became increasingly obvious that it was just a matter of time before he was offered an opportunity in Dallas.
One morning, I woke up with a sense of dread and anxiety like I have never experienced all wrapped up in a neat little package of sadness. In the words of Anne Shirley, I woke up in the depths of despair. I felt like I had no where to turn with these feelings. I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer to Luke's excitement about his career opportunities and I knew my family was struggling with this possibility as well. I am ashamed to admit that I didn't immediately turn to the Lord like I should have. But He is still faithful even when we are not.
I happend to read an entry on one of my favorite blogs that morning. I don't remember what it was about. All I remember was the way this verse leapt off the page at me:
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
That morning, my Lord spoke to me as clearly as if He were sitting across from me just shooting the breeze and drinking His morning coffee. He reminded me once again that His grace is sufficient for today. He told me that when the day came to say goodbye and close this chapter of our lives, that I would not be consumed with sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. He promised me this simply because He loves me that much.
A peace that I have not felt in 4 years replaced the dread and anxiety. I was still sad about the changes ahead but I no longer feared them. I finally felt free.
Two months later, Luke got an official job offer for a position in Dallas.
I waited for those same feelings to overtake me, but praise the Lord, they didn't!
On January 16th, a new chapter will begin for our family. Luke will start a new job in Dallas and I will begin the process of wrapping up the San Antonio season of our lives. There are still many unknowns and my heart is grieving already over the goodbyes yet to be said. I will miss lunches with my dad, playdates with friends, and Bible studies with families going through the same things we are. I will miss having my mom stop by and visits with Claire when she's home. I do not look forward to explaining to Austin why we can't see his old friends when he tells me he misses them.
Still, I am thankful for our time here no matter how much my heart aches. Living here was one of the desires of my heart that God granted, even if for just a little while. I am humbled that He would give me the gift of time in San Antonio with people I love. I am still tempted on a daily basis to dwell on the future instead of living in this moment. But I cling to the knowledge that I will not be consumed, and I am learning to savor the blessings of today without fear of what tomorrow holds.