Thursday, July 23, 2009

since i missed my mother's day post, i give you aimee's thoughts on motherhood

There are moments in which I question why God thought I would be a good "boy mom." Like the other day when Austin thought it would be fun to grab the gravel looking stuff from the fireplace and put it in Savannah's food bowl followed by a little hand washing in her water bowl. Or today when I was hit square in the forehead with one of his rubber balls while playing catch. If you know me at all then you know how challenged I am when it comes to sports. Yes, I did try out for the basketball team in middle school. And no I did not make the cut. Shocker! However the coach did call to break the news and inform my parents of my non-existent talent with a "bless her heart! she just can't dribble a ball to save her life!"


Can you understand why, after a failed attempt to catch Austin's impeccable throw, I sent a look Heavenward as if to say, "Seriously? You really signed me up for this?!"


There are moments of sheer panic in which I fear that I'm either doing too much, not enough, or missing something altogether. For example, he is so curious these days. I want to encourage his questions {no matter how repetitive} as he discovers the world around him. BUT. What do you do when your 2 year old son wants to know all about your eye shadow and then mimics you as you swipe some on your eyelids?! The fact that I answered his question by saying "this is eyeshadow. sometimes mommies wear eyeshadow" did not deter him from trying out a little pretend L'Oreal Sunlit Bronze.


Again, the look Heavenward while I thought to You Know Who, "A little help here would be nice! Am I totally screwing with his manhood by putting make-up on in front of him?"


By now it's no secret that half the time I have no idea what I'm doing. I've discovered that being a mom is the very definition of a Faith Walk. Faith that the common cold will not evolve into The Swine Flu. Faith that he will not smother himself in his pillow or get tangled up in his blanket at night even though he is 2 and well past the SIDS stage. Faith that he can climb up on the couch by himself without falling and causing massive brain damage. You laugh, but this is truly how my mind works. Clearly, I'm still working on the "take your thoughts captive" command. But more importantly, faith that even though I don't know what I'm doing, God does, and He'll give me the wisdom I need to raise a little boy to be a Godly young man.


Last night at dinner I announced to Luke that "these were the things we had left to do tonight: clean the kitchen, bathe and rock Austin, and set my parents' sprinklers to go off." Being the good husband he is, he replied with "what would you like me to do?" I really wanted to say "everything!" because I was tired and wanted nothing more than to put my pajamas on and climb into bed. However. Exhaustion is what you sign up for when you become an adult, right? So I sucked it up and told him that if he would bathe Austin and turn the parentals sprinklers on, I would handle the rest. And thus began the chaos that is The Evening Routine.


With the kitchen cleaned, I settled in for a little Fritz and the Beautiful Horses and our bedtime prayer. I snuggled him close and we said "goodnight to Jesus." At the end I said,


Can you say Love you, Jesus?


And he replied with,


Ya ee Jezee!


Y'all. It was the sweetest moment. I could almost physically feel God's delight as Austin did his best to repeat those words. And so of course, this tender exchange got me thinking all about how thankful I was for Austin and how fast time was flying and whathaveyou. As I watched the praise music lull my son to sleep, this is what I told the Lord,


It feels like I just blinked and suddenly Austin went from being swaddled like a baby burrito to feet hanging over the side of the rocking chair. It hurts just a little when I think how quickly this time went because I know the next 16 years will go even faster. AND THEN I'll have to have even more faith as we send him out on his own.


{oh come on! You had to know that train of thought was coming from Ms. Planner of the Year}


And then I told Him that I just loved Austin so much. More than I ever thought possible. All of the sudden the verse God gave me before Austin was born came to my mind.


Every good and perfect gift is from above coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17


I had this crazy thought that maybe part of the Gift of Austin was the deeper understanding of the depth of God's love for me, His child. Until July 17, 2007 I didn't understand what it felt like to love someone so much that you would gladly give your life for theirs. I didn't know how it would feel to want to give one person everything they desired but only if it was in their best interest.


Don't get me wrong. I love Luke and the rest of my family very, very deeply, but a mother's love for her child is different. That said, this is one of my favorite verses:


Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands... Isaiah 49:15-16


He will never forget us. We are engraved on the palms of His hands. So deep is His love for His children that He gave His life for ours.


I may not have scars on my hands, but I have fading stretch marks and a few more curves to remind me of a little boy that stole my heart.


He came complete with dump trucks and dirt piles. An independent spirit and a song in his heart. He is my gentle reminder that sometimes God gives us what we feel ill equipped to handle so that we will venture out of our comfort zone and trust Him completely.


Oh yeah. And the occassional whack on the head to keep me humble.


4 comments:

Kristin said...

I really enjoy reading your thoughts... you are a very creative and entertaining author :) I can also relate in so many ways! Having a son can be confusing if he decides to pretend to put on eye makeup or get into your pads stashed away in the bathroom :) What you are obviously so FAITHFULLY doing is setting an example of what to look for in a future wife and I am sure you are doing an amazing job for the gift of the little boy God has given you :)

The McFarland Family said...

excellent post, Mrs. Keiffer :) It is a great reminder to me "Miss Anxiety" to take captive every thought and remember that God already knows what will unfold each and every moment of Reid's life.

Anonymous said...

Aimee:

I teared up while reading this post. I have spent a lot of time the last 4 months feeling those same feelings and thinking those same thoughts. I was never prepared for the depth of love I would feel for Reuben. I don't think anyone could describe it but you did a pretty great job!

Amy

Courtney said...

I loved this post.... I have felt many of those same feelings.... I, like you, Aimee, have often thought of how much MORE faith we're going to have when we send our kiddos from the "nest...." (lump in throat...).... Great post and a great picture of motherhood..... Keep 'em coming!