playing catch-up

Well. When I signed on today I wasn't even sure good 'ol blogger would remember me. But lo and behold, it did. And then I panicked when I saw all the changes. But here I am anyway and so much has happend since the last time I recorded my thoughts about our lives lately.

Let's get started shall we? Life is so full and wonderful here in Rockwall. Our house is feeling more like our home complete with pictures on the walls. That makes such a difference, doesn't it? It took me awhile to decide where I wanted everything because I really think you need to just live in a new space first before you start deciding how to accessorize her. This drives Luke especially crazy which won't be a surprise to anyone that knows him well. He is task-oriented and was a man on a mission when it came to unpacking boxes. He also despises hanging things on the walls mostly because he is a perfectionist and doesn't do anything half way. I love that about him. Slowly but surely, I figured out where I wanted everything and Luke began the task of carrying out my vision. My favorite wall so far is the first one you see when walk in our front door. It's filled with pictures of our little family. Sweet memories that make me feel so blessed everytime I walk by. Pictures of our littlest treasures, our last family picture {Brooke was 4 months old. Clearly we're long overdue for a new one}, a tribute to the city where "Luke and Aimee" officially began, and a sign that says "Home is where your story begins." Our wedding album, which I lovingly refer to as The Book, sits on the console table underneath and is a reminder of the day that started all of this craziness. I wouldn't change one single thing about my life and who I share it with. God has been so good to me!

We have gotten involved in a church and attend a Lifegroup on Saturday nights, which is full of the most wonderful people. They are sarcastic just like me and Luke and they love Jesus with their whole hearts. Just last night we attended the baptism of two of the kids from our Lifegroup family. As I stood there watching them profess Jesus as their Savior and that they had asked Him to come into their little innocent hearts, I was overcome by emotion. Thank goodness for sunglasses to hide tear-filled eyes! I'm not one that makes crying look pretty. Who's with me on that?! There we were, a group of believers celebrating together the most important decision anyone can make. What a blessing it is to walk this parenting road with these people that strive to raise their kids the same way we do. May our children be among the next generation of those that love God passionately and have a heart to win souls for Him!

On that note, Luke and I had the privilege of witnessing Austin become a Christian. There have been several opportunities to share with him the hope that we can have when faced with death. We talked to him many times about the gift of salvation and what it means to "ask Jesus into your heart." On October 1st, the three of us sat cross-legged on his bed while he prayed that sweet prayer in his little boy voice. I could not have been filled with more joy! Nothing could have prepared me for all the emotions I would feel as he made the decision of his life. Death has been defeated again and Satan cannot claim the life of my oldest!! About a week later, we were eating lunch with Luke's parents who had just returned from the funeral of a good friend. We were discussing Heaven when Austin looked at his Pops and said shyly, "You know what Pops? I'm a Christian." He pointed his little finger at his chest and I almost lost it right there in Olive Garden. I am just so proud of him. He has such a tender heart and I know God will use that mightily. Before he was born, we prayed that he would come to know Jesus at an early age. That prayer has been answered. We are so grateful!

We are truly blessed and I am so thankful that God would be gracious enough to give us all that we don't deserve. Still, life is not perfect and I would never want anyone to think that we have it all together. We don't. I have never been more aware of my need for Him than in this season of my life. This year we have been surrounded by suffering and the reminder that this world is not our home. Satan has used this to feed my fear of the worst happening to our family. Aside from God, my family...extended included...is the most important thing in my life. There is no other group of people I am more loyal to than them. I prefer my family and, given the choice, would rather spend time with them than anyone else. I know that God wants me to trust Him with their lives and well-being. He is their Creator, afterall, and He is worthy of that trust. Good grief, He has every right to demand it of me. But He is so gentle with me and ultimately desires that it be my choice. I will be honest, this has been such a struggle for me. There are times when Satan shows no mercy and does everything in his power to use my fear to cripple me. He has come to kill, steal and destory and boy is he good at his job. Some days I can say to the him: Mission Accomplished. I am a work in progress and there are days I have to choose minute by minute to put my trust in the One that deserves it the most. And then there are the days that I fail to make that decision. Cue the panic attacks. No one loves me better or more than He does. No matter what the future holds, His plans for me are good. I am so very thankful for His patience and the promise that He will never give up on me!

Looking back at this past year, I feel like this new beginning in Rockwall is symbolic of God doing new things in my life. Challenging me in new ways. Not only am I finding myself forced to deal with some of my deepest fears once and for all, but He is also urging me to stand firm in my faith and what I believe. Even if it means I am standing alone. I realize that I started this blog initially to document our life through each season, but I also want to be able to look back and see what God was doing in my life. He is so faithful despite the fact that I am a hot mess most of the time. Nevertheless, He who began the good work will finish it to completion.

for brooke

Even though it is a couple of months late, I still want to write my daughter on her first birthday. As you can see, having 2 littles has made life crazy but full of joy!

Dear Brooke:

After waiting for months that often felt like years, the day finally came for us to welcome you into our family. You were born with eyes wide open and as silent as the first hours of morning. Such a contrast already to your brother who cried for the first hour of his life. Since then, you have been anything but silent, and you still take in every detail of life with wide eyes and infinite curiosity. 

The first few months were rough. For us and for you. Still, we persevered together and thanked the Lord for caffeine and the ability to act like we knew what we were doing. We have loved getting to know you this last year and discovering all the ways you are fearfully and wonderfully made by our God. You are stubborn and feisty. You can be a Mama's girl but some days you just want your Daddy. Above all, you adore Austin, or "Bubba," as you call him. Your little face lights up as you say his name over and over when he walks into the room.

You know what you like and dislike. You hold to your opinions without wavering, and one day I'll be thankful for that trait. For now, there is molding to be done and we need every ounce of God's wisdom and grace to be the parents you deserve. You challenge us and force us out of our comfort zones. God is using you to teach me the importance of letting go of perfection and the crazy idea that I can do any of this life on my own.

I cherish so many moments with you. Rocking you to sleep while you hold tight to your paci and favorite monkey. Playing peek-a-boo and chase. Watching you play with your brother and love on him. But perhaps my most favorite moments are when you snuggle close and pat my shoulder. In those precious seconds, I know firsthand the blessing of the mother/daughter bond and pray that we are always close.

Before you were born, God told me that you would be our "joy that comes in the morning." I had no idea then that that theme would be woven throughout the first year of your life. We have spent many hours on our knees in prayer for dear family and friends. Asking God for miracles. Believing His promise that after the night comes the dawn and with it...JOY! We have been reminded that in this world, we will have trouble but He has overcome the world!

You are our joy, Brooke. Our tangible proof that God is faithful and full of blessings for His children even when the storms surround us. When you face the ups and downs of this life, remember this part of your story! Remember that when you hold tight to Jesus, you can face anything with supernatural strength, grace, and Heavenly focus.

I never want to forget the little things about this season. How you laugh when you put your brother's swimming shorts on your head. The way you dance when any kind of music is playing or how you say "Awwww" when you hug us. I love how you scrunch up your little face and with squinted eyes, you let us know you're disgusted. These moments are fleeting and a reminder that ultimately you are on loan from our Heavenly Father. Be patient with us as we learn to let go in different ways and never forget that you are one of our treasures. We love you, sweet girl!!

Mommy

enough

Rockwall: Chapter 1 has officially begun. How's it going? Well, like most things, it has it's ups and downs. I'm currently looking into a name tag for my car that reads:

Hi! We're the Keiffers. Obviously we're new here.

To Robert at Starbucks: Sorry for taking your tall cafe mocha. I wasn't even aware anyone but me ordered that size anymore. Unfortunately, I didn't see your name on the side of the cup until after I left.

To the SUV rapidly approaching in my rear view today. I'm sorry for being indecisive. I just couldn't committ to one of the 5000 ways to get to Starbucks from Target.

{I'm beginning to see an unhealthy pattern here. Or maybe my motto should just be "Give me Jesus...and give me Starbucks..."}

And finally, to the lady in the car behind me that waited as I backed out of a parking space after missing the turn to Austin's school, I apologize. I didn't see you coming down the one way road. Hopefully, it won't happen again. And by the way, I'm trying not to be jealous that you're dropping your child off at his regular Mother's Day Out program.

As I make this adjustment to a new place, I'm reminded of Ruth. She, too, followed someone she loved to a foreign land.

But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.

Ruth 1:16-17

This is not the first time I've followed Luke to an unfamiliar place. As much as I loved Baylor, we knew we would be happier if we could experience the college thing together. And so I packed my bags and headed to Tulsa. Even then I loved that man with all of my heart! Wanna know the only thing I was sure of as I filled out applications and applied for housing?

Wait for it...

Tulsa was a city in Oklahoma. I was fairly certain I would need to beef up my wardrobe a little since it does snow there.

That's it. Apart from the fact that I felt like it was where the Lord was leading me, I had no guarantees that Luke and I would even be dating when we graduated. Let alone engaged!

Fast forward three and a half years.

Not only are Luke and I engaged with an amazing group of friends, but I spent the majority of my time in Tulsa living with a girl from Kerrville, Texas. In case you're wondering, that's a small town about an hour north of San Antonio.

We met randomly in the lobby of our dorm and bonded over our love for Jesus, Texas, and the need to deep clean at least once a week. Is God good or what?!

So here I am again. Missing friends. Missing family.

Missing the familiar things that made me feel secure.

And while I scrub the dishes and wipe the spaghetti sauce off the stove, I tell Him that my heart aches for San Antonio. His reply is simply that He knows and He aches with me even if this move was His will in His perfect timing.

Oh, how I love that my God would walk this road with me. Even when the enemy tries to tell me I'm all alone, He reminds me that He is right here, holding my hand, as I begin this new season.

I recently did a study in which I learned that just before Jesus was born, God was silent for four hundred years.

Four. Hundred. Years. That's like as long as it takes Austin to get dressed in the mornings. True story.

I can't even imagine what it would be like to long and wait for a word from God only to hear nothing but complete silence. He used this time of famine, so to speak, to create a desperate hunger for Him because He wanted to world to be ready for what was coming.

His Son.

And what a celebration that night was! Stars were shining, angels were singing, and I would be willing to bet money that God blessed Mary with the best hair day she'd ever had because she was the mother of His Son afterall.

He was here. The prophecies had come true.

And the famine was over!

As I was listening to this lesson, I was struck by the fact that this is a time of famine for me. A famine of friends, family, and the familiar comforts that defined my routine. Even as I grieve the closing of the San Antonio chapter, I hear Him whisper to my heart that He is enough.

He has always been enough.

I am certain that at the end of this famine something wonderful waits for me. Rockwall is where we're supposed to be even if it feels lonely and foreign right now.

Maybe you are also in a foreign place. It doesn't have to be a new city. It can be a time of illness, change, or just the realization that life is brutal. All of the sudden, your world has been turned upside down and it's all you can do to keep your head above water.

Maybe you, like me, need to hear that He is here. He is constant.

And He is enough.

faithful

Time is a funny thing. Some days it seems to drag. Lucky for me, those are usually the days that Brooke has a million dirty diapers and Austin has just as many questions and complaints. And then there are the days that seem to slip through your fingers like running water. You blink your eyes and all of a sudden a chapter of your life has been written and that season has passed.

I remember the day that Luke came home and told me they were moving the AT&T headquarters to Dallas like it was yesterday.

We had lived in San Antonio for 6 months.

It was like you could hear my bubble popping. I know Luke heard it too because of the look on his face after he told me. A feeling of panic and anxiety overwhelmed me and I was just a little bit angry. Ok. Alot angry.

What was AT&T thinking? Moving the headquarters? Didn't they know that some of us actually liked it here. Had families here. Hopes and dreams too.

So I did what any girl in denial would do. I lied to myself and chose to believe that we wouldn't move. I told myself that Luke could be happy with the positions available here in San Antonio. Obviously, I conveniently forgot that little commandment about leaving and cleaving to your husband...no matter where his job takes him.

For the next four years, the knowledge that our time here was limited hovered in the back of my mind as I formed friendships and made memories. I held my breath any time Luke had a meeting with one of the "higher-ups" of AT&T. Each time the anxiety and sadness threatened to overwhelm me, I clung to the hope that by some miracle, we could stay in San Antonio.

I tried not to be bitter whenever Luke seemed excited about his career possibilities. Afterall, how could he not be excited about a move? A promotion to the city where his family lived? What's not to like? As you can see, I was hugely successful in avoiding bitterness...

Each meeting he had only confirmed to me that Luke was gaining the respect and recognition he had earned and deserved at AT&T. It became increasingly obvious that it was just a matter of time before he was offered an opportunity in Dallas.

One morning, I woke up with a sense of dread and anxiety like I have never experienced all wrapped up in a neat little package of sadness. In the words of Anne Shirley, I woke up in the depths of despair. I felt like I had no where to turn with these feelings. I didn't want to be a Debbie Downer to Luke's excitement about his career opportunities and I knew my family was struggling with this possibility as well. I am ashamed to admit that I didn't immediately turn to the Lord like I should have. But He is still faithful even when we are not.

I happend to read an entry on one of my favorite blogs that morning. I don't remember what it was about. All I remember was the way this verse leapt off the page at me:

Lamentations 3:21-23

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

That morning, my Lord spoke to me as clearly as if He were sitting across from me just shooting the breeze and drinking His morning coffee. He reminded me once again that His grace is sufficient for today. He told me that when the day came to say goodbye and close this chapter of our lives, that I would not be consumed with sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness. He promised me this simply because He loves me that much.

A peace that I have not felt in 4 years replaced the dread and anxiety. I was still sad about the changes ahead but I no longer feared them. I finally felt free.

Two months later, Luke got an official job offer for a position in Dallas.

I waited for those same feelings to overtake me, but praise the Lord, they didn't!

On January 16th, a new chapter will begin for our family. Luke will start a new job in Dallas and I will begin the process of wrapping up the San Antonio season of our lives. There are still many unknowns and my heart is grieving already over the goodbyes yet to be said. I will miss lunches with my dad, playdates with friends, and Bible studies with families going through the same things we are. I will miss having my mom stop by and visits with Claire when she's home. I do not look forward to explaining to Austin why we can't see his old friends when he tells me he misses them.

Still, I am thankful for our time here no matter how much my heart aches. Living here was one of the desires of my heart that God granted, even if for just a little while. I am humbled that He would give me the gift of time in San Antonio with people I love. I am still tempted on a daily basis to dwell on the future instead of living in this moment. But I cling to the knowledge that I will not be consumed, and I am learning to savor the blessings of today without fear of what tomorrow holds.

the best gift

Dirty dishes, piles of laundry, the baby's climbing the stairs...

Wait. The baby's climbing the stairs?!?

Don't judge. You know your second child has the "Just Survive" Syndrome too.

As women, our lives are rarely still and if you're a mom, you can forget quiet. Am I right or am I right? Don't get me wrong. I love the sounds of little voices chattering and the pitter-pattering of tiny feet throughout our house. But every once in a while, I remember for a moment what life was like before two little people needed me 24/7. And for a split second, I miss it. And then I realize I wouldn't trade our chaos for anything! This madness is my life. And it is good.

 Still, Christmas seems to add a whole other level of crazy to the mix. Gifts, parties, decorating, and all the eggnog you can handle, which is none for me because I can't bring myself to drink something cold with the word "egg" in it. Just sayin'...

It's hard to remember during the hustle and bustle that the reason we celebrate is because He came.

He came to a small stable. He came to a young couple that had nothing. But most importantly, He came to save.

He came without fanfare or fireworks to save a tired world without hope. In His humble, gentle way, He came to earth to perform a rescue mission. And while we celebrate that He was born that night in Bethlehem, may we never forget that He is still here.

He is here in the mundane tasks I do without thinking. He's here as I tie his shoes or brush her hair. He's here when I'm sad just as He's here when life is so wonderful that it takes my breath away.

He carries us when we feel like we can't go on, and He dances with us as we celebrate life's unforgettable moments.

He meets us where we are just how we are. Dirty dishes and all.

He came to save. And He stayed. Not in the manger or on the cross, but in our hearts if we let Him. He stayed so that we can have life. And have it more abundantly. So this year, let's celebrate not just that He was born and placed in a manger, but that He stayed.

For you. For me. For us.


And that, my friends, is a gift worth celebrating. Along with the fact that the baby only climbed one stair before being caught.

doing life with Jesus

Whoa. Talk about a serious blog break! But due to the events and adjustments of these past months, it was probably a good thing I didn't post much. Ok, anything!

To catch you up, on March 28th at 12:03 PM {after God blessed me AND Luke AND Claire with just FOUR hours of labor} we welcomed the most beautiful baby girl into the Keiffer family. Here she is...boxing gloves and all:

And here I am with my babies. Well one baby and a very big boy:

Please excuse the post baby stomach and water retention. Clearly, this look was also part of The Curse. Thanks, Eve.

In all seriousness, though, I think one of my favorite things about having 2 little ones is watching them interact. At first, Austin was not so sure about this little human that cried loudly and often. It probably didn't help that she was too little to recognize her big brother and look at him adoringly. That usually helps me like someone better.

Just sayin.

After a few weeks, something wonderful happend. Brooke started smiling!

 And looking at her brother in complete awe and adoration.

I'm not even kidding when I say that she does not look at anyone else the way she looks at him. It's just all kinds of fabulousness!

Doesn't that just make your heart melt? Mine too.

While I would love to say that the last four and a half months have been picture perfect, that would be a lie. A big one. I think one of the reasons we don't remember the challenging times when we look back at certain seasons is because WE DIDN'T DOCUMENT THEM WITH PICTURES! Am I right or am I right?! The fact that the good times far outweigh the bad probably has something to do with it too. 

At the beginning of this pregnancy, God told me that our next little one would be our "joy in the morning." He told me again after we found out it was a girl. That's when I started to wonder if maybe their was some ulterior motive for telling me this. Can God even have ulterior motives? Probably not. Anyway, it suddenly occurred to me that maybe He was telling me this because I would need to remember it later. Have you ever heard that phrase "You hit the nail on the head?" Yeah. Totally applies here.

The first few weeks were filled with the usual adjustments that come with a newborn. You know, things like 3 hours of sleep at a time {if you're lucky}, house arrest {because you don't want strangers touching your new baby with no immune system. Why would they even think that's ok?!}, and the realization that your Eating For Two Diet is officially over. But in our case, there were some added bonuses as well. I guess you could say it was a two for one kind of a deal.

Two words: Acid. Reflux.

Major bummer. We're talking projectile vomiting, screaming for hours, and very little sleep. I will never forget the Saturday morning that Luke and I put Brooke in her stroller for a walk after 2 hours of screaming in a last ditch effort to get her to quit crying and sleep. It did the trick. Within minutes, our sweet girl was sleeping soundly. As we walked, we told each other that one day we would look back on these weeks and laugh.

I don't recall smoking crack during that time period, but I was also operating on the least amount of sleep I've ever gotten in my life so my memory is fuzzy at best. I'm still not convinced that we will ever laugh about those first few weeks, but there is one thing I can look back and say with certainty.

God's grace is sufficient for today and His mercies are new every single morning.

I just thought life was challenging with one little person. This new chapter has rocked my world completely compared to that.

Being a mom is the hardest, most challenging thing I will ever do. Hands down. It is physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausting. There are days that I fail my children. Miserably. No, really. At the end of the day we are all miserable due to my poor attitude. I never thought I'd see the day when going to the bathroom ALONE was the highlight of my day or eating a hot meal was a huge accomplishment. I don't even remember what life was like before the madness that is The Bedtime Routine.

But the truth is, this job is not just a job to me. It's my calling. Austin and Brooke are my mission field. Every day God gives me the chance to change their lives. What I choose to do with that opportunity is up to me.

No one ever said that ministry...of any kind...would be glamorous. My ministry as a mommy is no different. I change dirty diapers, have spit up on my clothes, wipe noses and bottoms. But when I look back on these days, I will remember how I memorized the way Brooke smelled as I held her close and rocked her to sleep. I'll remember having heart-to-heart talks with Austin as I tucked him into bed. I dry their tears, celebrate their victories, and fight for their souls on my knees. 

I was recently reminded of this verse on a great blog:

The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ 

Matthew 25:40 (NIV)     

How humbling, right?

 When I lose my patience with either of them, I've lost my patience with Jesus. When I put them first and myself last, I've chosen to put Jesus first. I change His diaper everyday and fix Him macaroni and cheese. I answer His questions, and heaven knows, I've put His paci back in His mouth AT LEAST a million times. Daily. 

And while I'm doing all these things for Him, He is molding and shaping my character. He never gives up. Never loses His patience. Never complains about my shortcomings. 

I can't say that I've done the same for Him even though He deserves it far more than I do. 

So I'm going to write this verse out, tape it up somewhere I can see it often {like the pantry...hey! it's not easy to give up the Diet for Two}, and memorize it. Each day, I want to choose to treat my children the way I would treat Jesus.

Because he is our gift:

And she is our joy:

And they are the treasures God has entrusted to me for just a short time. I will choose to soak up the good times and persevere through the challenges. I will make memories and do life with them. I will see Jesus when I look at them.

Because I want them to see Him when they look at me.

this time next week...

It's hard to believe but this time next week, the Keiffers will officially be a family of four. I know we're all so excited, but for me, part of it is a little bittersweet. For almost four years, it's just been Austin and me. I would be lying if I said that I haven't shed a few tears over the closing of this chapter. The last few weeks I've done what I seem to do best these days, which is worry.

I know. I know. Jesus tells us not to, but honestly, I can't help it sometimes.

I worry how Austin will handle the change. I worry that he won't feel as loved when we have to pay special attention to Brooke. Luke tells me he'll be fine and I'm sure he's right...he almost always is, which can be infuriating sometimes. Still, it's a mom thing, I guess. I've spent the last weeks obsessing and preparing in every way possible to make sure this transition is as easy on him as it can be. And of course my final preparation would have to be a letter. Afterall, I may need it someday just to prove to him that he wasn't chopped liver before or after Brooke was born.

Dear Austin:

There was a phrase my family frequently used to refer to a fun memory in the past or coming in the future: "This time {next week, last week, next year, etc}." As I grew up, I would find myself thinking that same phrase to myself about the most random times or events.

Today, I'm starting that tradition in the Keiffer family.

This time next week Brooke will be here.

As your Aunt Brittany said just this morning, I will be a mother of two and you will be an official big brother. No doubt our world will never be the same.

Before the sleep deprivation catches up with me and causes my patience to run extra thin, I want you to know how wonderful these last three and a half years with you have been. In some ways, it feels like it's been an eternity since we brought you home from the hospital, but mostly it feels like I blinked my eyes and you were no longer my baby but a little boy.

My quiet times these last few days have been about Mary and the birth of Jesus. He was her first born too, you know. The Bible says that she treasured every memory with Him in her heart to look back on through the years to come. I love that verse because it's exactly what I have done these last few years with you. I had no idea what I would do with a little boy. Let's be honest, I had no idea what a little boy would do to me! 

But just like the Lord promised, you have been a gift from the start. You have forced me out of my comfort zone and shown me that I'm capable of more than I thought I was. Nine hours of labor, potty training, and many other things come to mind. 

God has used you to show me things about Him I never would've known before you came along. I love that being a parent has given me new insight into how deep the Father's love is for us. I love that you have taught me what it means to have child-like faith.

When I look back at the memories I've stored in my heart from these last three years, I'll remember Target trips, Sonic dates, and our heart-to-heart talks before bed. But more than anything, I'll remember that, much like Mary knew from the very beginning, God has shown me that you have never been mine. You belong to God and have been entrusted to me and your Daddy for just a short time. I pray that as you continue to grow and need me less that you would find you need Him more. He is more trustworthy and capable of taking care of you than we'll ever be!

It's true. This time next week, we will begin a new chapter in our family. But one thing will still be the same...

This time next week, you will still be as special and as loved as the day you were born. For now and for always, my sweet boy you will be. I love you!!

Mommy